Dating for Dummies

“You look like a bad decision…….get the f**k over here” 


I feel, nine months into this dating malarky, I’ve learnt enough to pass on my wisdom to those of you dipping your toe into the wonderful world of online dating! Although I’m still single so maybe wisdom is a poor choice of words.

When I first found myself single I felt an overwhelming urge to become part of a partnership again. Its all I had ever known and felt that a relationship defined me. To be honest part of it was also the fact that the ex was with someone else and jealousy was playing its part. So I signed up to every dating site I could find. In my naive mind I was convinced all the good looking blokes on the screen in front of me were lonely and looking just like I was.

Ooooooh how wrong was I!

Let me tell you about online dating. It creates the ability for all the crazies, pervs and weirdos to hide behind a screen and harass women. There are many types of men on dating sites:

  1. The Obsessive: this guy falls in love with you within 3 messages. Calls you his ‘baby’ and insists he wants to marry you before you’ve even met! Block him – fast! Do not exchange numbers with this guy. He will harass the hell out of you.
  2. The Perv: Starts off nicely but you will notice little nods towards inappropriate comments. You’ll brush it off but don’t! As soon as he has your number he will be sending a cock pic before you can type Hi! And these types always insist you send a nude back. Block!!!!
  3. Mr Invisible: This guy has no picture. If you read his profile it will say ‘ask me for a picture’ There are one of two reasons for this : He is married OR he wants to get your number to send a cock pic……..Block!
  4. Mr Text Buddy: This guy sends texts every two minutes and never asks to meet you. Chances are this guy is lonely, no interest in a real relationship, because he can be whoever he wants online. Your choice whether to block here – sometimes that connection is comforting when you are first single.
  5. Mr Stalker: The worst! This guy will chat and seem great but suddenly he’s questioning why you were online and NOT talking to him. He will insist you only talk to him and no one else. Block – if he is trying to control you online the chances are this guy is a control freak in person too.
  6. Mr Self Obsessed: This guy only talks about himself. He doesn’t ask questions and refers to himself in third person often. This depends on what you like – maybe its your kind of thing, but definitely not my thing.
  7. Mr Teen: This guy puts that he is 40. When you read his profile he explains he is really 19 but loves older women – for me that is a BLOCK!!!! There is nothing a 19yr old can offer me – sorry but just no!

Do not misunderstand me. There are some nice guys. I’ve made some fantastic friends from online dating (yes I am aware that this is not the point of online DATING but hey, not everyone who gets on online are destined for love – some are destined to be great mates instead) Online dating has allowed me to find my peace in being single. It has shown me what I want and what I definitely do not want in a future partner. I’ve made some mistakes, dated some men that I would never have dreamed of dating in the past and been hurt when feelings weren’t reciprocated. It’s made me tougher, made me pickier and made me look into myself and be happy with my own company.

Online dating also tells you a lot about yourself. You learn that you can be a heartless bitch at times. You ignore so many messages or you block and disappear after chatting to someone then realising they are a little odd. You have the ability to crush someone’s faith in the female species and, like the above men, you do it without a second thought because they aren’t a ‘real person’ if you’ve never met.

If you’re single and reading this thinking that you need to have a man in your life, trust me, learn to love yourself first. How can you know what you deserve if you are negative about yourself? The attention of online dating is flattering, you begin to think that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and trust me there is, but there is no rush to get to the end of that tunnel.

I have friends in relationships (and two of them will read this and know exactly who I’m talking about!!) and I watch from a slight distance – I can see how happy they are but at the same time I can see the additional stress those relationships put on them at times. I’m not ready for that yet. I still have so much to learn and create for my future. Right now I need someone to have a giggle with, take me for a meal and leave me alone when I need it.

Until then I’m off to message my 548 ‘meet me’ people on that there fishing site – wish me luck!

“You protect your being when you love yourself better. That is the secret”

Isabelle Adjani


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