Forever is not that long

Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.
Candace Bushnell

 

I’ve spent a lot of the last few months fighting to maintain control of normality, battling the tide of sorrow over my ‘first Christmas’ and entering a new year in a world that I am still not wholly comfortable with. One thing I have thought a lot about is the concept of a soulmate. I spent 14 years being told by another human being, and telling said human being, that we were soulmates, bound together forever. Hearts that could not exist individually. I’ve read a lot about this concept since forever turned out to not be as long as I thought and I’ve come to many conclusions.

What is a soulmate?

So this question is answered in many different ways. Some believe that a soulmate is your missing part, the yin to your yang, the half that makes you whole. My answer? Why do we assume that we begin life as a ‘half’? That we are missing a part of ourselves that can ONLY be fulfilled by a romantic partner? For me, a soulmate adds to your life. They do not complete it, do not fill a missing ‘half’ and certainly do not allow you to suddenly ascend to an existence that only the ‘lucky ones’ can experience. A soulmate realises that you are the complete package already. The person in front of them is already a strong individual who has their shit together, and they still want to try and fit into that life because they admire the person before them.

How do I know I’ve met my soulmate?

Another question that is often answered in such a way that makes you feel as though you were lesser of a person without them. My opinion? You know you have met your soulmate when you are with a person who allows you to grow. A person who does not dull your sparkle. A person who wants to grow WITH you. Not a person who shows you what you ‘could’ be, or a person who you become so emotionally dependent on they suddenly have some control over your day to day existence. Society encourages us to believe that we are not complete unless somebody wants us. How about we concentrate on wanting ourselves? I am at a point now where IF I ever allow someone in for a new ‘forever’ it will be when I finally want myself, love myself and will not rely on another human being for my emotional happiness.

What if I never meet my soulmate?

So what! If you never meet the romantic soulmate that society holds on a pedestal then look at what you DO have. Your soulmate may exist in your best friend, your children or in the mirror. You can be your soulmate – if a soulmate completes you, shows you what you can be and encourages you to be the best person you can be surely it stands to reason that it can exist within yourself? I genuinely believed that 14 years ago I met my soulmate. I will never take anything away from the relationship that I had, 4 beautiful children show me that fate insisted that it was to happen. However, I realise that if he was my soulmate, it was not in the way convention dictates.

What I have learnt

Soulmates can be positive and negative. My soulmate has forced me to look inside and realise that I had lost sight of myself. I had allowed myself to be completely dependent on another human being for my emotional well being and as soon as that carpet was ripped from under me I was left floundering – and that is NOT what I want from my soulmate. Instead I will, one day, thank him. I will thank him for making me realise my true worth, I will thank him for paving the way for me to love myself, for allowing me to hit rock bottom and start re evaluating what I should be. I will thank him for making me a better mother to my minions because, ultimately, I WILL become the person I was meant to be before I met him.

My soulmates, yes plural, exist in my children and my friends. They encourage me to continue to grow and do not force me to rely on them for anything UNLESS I choose to. They have held the light on my darkest days, only until I could hold the light for myself and they have raised my spirits only until I was able to keep my head above the surface unaided. For that I will be, like my soul, eternally grateful to each and everyone of them. I will be their soulmate if and when they need me to be, never faltering in my support and love.

Souls are eternal. A mate for eternity should enrich and love who you are, not try and mould you into what THEY think you could become.

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