‘This too shall pass’ Proverb
I’ve had some pretty awesome weeks recently. I haven’t cried, not felt the need to rage and my counsellor has been super impressed with how I’ve handled the stages of grief so quickly. He believes I am now in the acceptance stage. I remember a time when I never thought I’d get out of the denial and begging stage so process is definitely being made.
Today, I feel the sadness again. I’m pining for company, for that sense of belonging to something or someone again so that I don’t have to face everything alone. Life really does look much more positive with someone to map it out with. I miss the normality of routine and knowing ‘the plan’
But, I know that life can be positive without a plan and more importantly I can plan life for myself. I don’t need confirmation from a significant other. I need someone who wants to be in my life without restricting my need to grow and be free, but can also accept that sometimes I will need some reassurance and what that reassurance looks and sounds like. I want it all – the romance, the flowers, the messages just because I’m on their mind – and I think that I now deserve it.
I’ve never really put a value on my self worth, but after going through more shit than most people do in a life time, I realise that I deserve to be HAPPY. I deserve the warm fuzzy feelings, but, I have all the time in the world to find that and I cannot force it.
I feel that this rollercoaster has me trapped for some time longer, I’m hoping that the hills get smaller and the dips more exciting, but I’m under no illusion that I’m nowhere near the end just yet. I no longer care what those who used to be in my life are doing, no longer pine for a friendship so my hills are definitely shrinking, and on of those exhilarating dips I’ll let someone hop on with me, strap in and enjoy the ride!