‘I find that it is the bullies that are usually the most insecure’
I’ve been bullied for most of my adult life. A daily torment, regular quiet whispers of ‘you’re not good enough’ or ‘they don’t like you’ Enough to make a grown woman lose all self esteem and respect. The worse thing is, the bully is me.
Don’t worry, I’m not hearing voices or having a psychotic break, but my conscience has become my worst enemy over the years. We all have doubts over our looks, actions, decisions, but not everyone allows those doubts to control them. I still feel guilty about camping when I was 15 and lying to my parents – every time I think back to that decision I re question myself and ask myself why. I’m 35 for goodness sake!
I’m working on ignoring the bully. Since becoming a singleton the bully has been having a field day but it’s negativity is becoming much less. Mainly due to the fact that I only have to think about MY actions now and not of those I was with. I no longer have the constant nag saying ‘who’s he talking to?’ ‘Why is he late?’ etc and that is actually very liberating. Instead, when the bully tries to get me down I look at the worst case scenario and realise that it really isn’t the end of the world. ‘You’ll be single forever’ now translates into ‘you have 4 awesome kids and no one spending your money or making you paranoid’ which helps. I’m still far from perfect at it and sometimes I let the bully win just so I can wallow for a short time.
Often bullies are the most insecure people. That’s why I bully. That’s why I bully myself. The insecurity is waning and I’m hoping that in the coming months I’ll re find my security and banish the bully forever.
You are your own worst enemy. No one can damage you like you can damage yourself. It’s time to start looking in the mirror again and seeing yourself rather than looking straight through.