“It always seems impossible until it’s done”
So I’m not writing today to say I’m cured. I’m not writing to say that my pieces have been mended, not even close. However, today the tidal wave of grief is a little less. I find myself dancing about the kitchen to make the girls laugh and checking out men walking down the street.
A while ago I couldn’t even function. I still have my meltdowns, my crazy ex rants, but I quickly pull myself round and realise it’s for show rather than substance.
The lightbulb moment came when I realised I was not missing the person, instead I was missing the company, having someone to give you a hug, curl up with on the sofa to watch tv and to empty the bins! That’s sad – after 14 years of being each other’s soulmates there should be more to it, but for the sake of my sanity I’m glad there isn’t.
I’m now left with a sadness of the loss of my mate. Someone who listened to me moan without judgement. My mate who promised things would never get to this point, but then let it. I hope at some point I get that part of the person back, but to be honest I’m not convinced that is part of the plan and I’m slowly making my peace with that. I’m learning to use a screwdriver and drag the bins out, I’m learning to make the awkward phone calls and pay the bills…..and I realise I allowed myself to feel like I was not capable of doing these things for so long that I’d forgotten I am more than capable.
I’m now concentrating on Kelly, who I am as an individual rather than part of a pair. It’s an interesting adventure, I’m realising things that have been dormant for a long time. And for the first time in a long time I’m feeling a sense of freedom. I no longer feel like I have to avoid social situations, instead I’m actively running towards ones that in the past would give me sleepless nights in the run up to it.
I’m also desperate for a life again. The slight issue with being 35 is that most of my friends are married with kids and therefore can’t just nip out for beers anymore, things need to be much more planned out so I am going to face the fact that there will be times where it’s just me and the dog for the evening and welcome the silence.
I didn’t think I’d survive my world crashing down around me. Today I feel I have survived the first part, and it’s now up to me to re write the future chapters, because plans change it seems and that needs to be embraced rather than revered.