What doesn’t kill you……

Kelly Roscoe.  05-04-2008 to 01-08-2016

‘A good wife, but was never quite enough’

Yesterday I died. Yesterday life as I know it ended. 

Let me explain. Earlier this year my husband and I decided on a separation. After 14yrs together his indiscretions and other ridiculous behaviours needed addressing from outside of the family unit and that could not be done whilst we were together. We agreed that although separated we would continue to have a ‘relationship’ of sorts and would work through our issues as individuals to see if we could recover our marriage and be a family again.

I trust my gut. It’s saved mine and my babies’ lives more than once. Yesterday my gut told me to check his laptop. I found a message that destroyed what shred of life I had left. He had been seeing someone else, told her we were not together and that we were ‘just friends’ 

I went and met her. My husband is a compulsive liar and I knew he wouldn’t tell me the truth. So I sat in McDonald’s across the table from a 29 year old who had taken away my last shred of decency……and I felt sorry for her. He had really done a number on her and she loved him. He told me he did it because she was desperate and that he had no intentions of there being a future, that he loved me, but she wanted evidence that I was telling the truth. I had to prove to someone who had known him a month that MY husband still loved ME – what the hell? 

The darkness set in pretty quickly after that. I’ve stared at the edge of the precipice of life more than once in the past, but last night I was ready. I was willing to take that leap and never wake up. I was hurting more than I ever thought it was physically possible (and I’ve had 4 children!) And then I remembered I have 4 children who have done nothing to deserve being part of what can only be described as an absolute shit storm. 

My friends tell me it’s not my fault, the issues lie with him, but when you are looking at your best friend and feeling like your heart has been ripped out of your chest it is hard not to take it personally. I genuinely do not know where I go from here or how the heck I’m going to stop the drowning feeling. I wish I hated him, that way it would be easy to walk away, but it seems he has done quite a number on me over the years as well. 

As I write this my 3 daughters are smiling and laughing at each other, and I find myself asking why couldn’t he put their best interests first? More to the point why could he not put my feelings first? The loyal wife who gave him 4 children and loved him unconditionally? 

I’m sure that many of you are reading this wondering why I am sharing something so personal – I need to. The outside world see my husband as this wonderful gentle giant, and because of that I feel that I must be the issue, but by putting it in black and white I hope that this is step one in realising my self worth.  He told me to do whatever I needed to do and I have written this in as dignified a way as I can muster, because he is the father of my children, and up until yesterday, my soulmate. 

No, I’m not ok. My heart breaks every time I move or relive that moment I found that message. I don’t want to be a divorcee. I’d just about come to terms with what was meant to be a trial separation. So now the harsh reality starts. 

All I know is I need friends, and alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. And the strength to walk away. 

Wish me luck. 


3 thoughts on “What doesn’t kill you……

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