“Don’t let today’s disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow’s dreams” *Unknown*
Today I became a complete let down as a mother. Bearing in mind I’ve given up my job to be a full time mummy, this does not bode well!
Today was the last day of school for Death and Destruction. With Destruction being in Year 6 this meant the Leaver’s Play……in which he had a super important part. The Pirates of the Curry Bean was the title and I had been fleeced in Flying Tiger for a pirate’s hat and been subjected to a melt down because I failed to provide the correct ‘pirate trousers’ for him.
My day started with no car, which meant relying on the ex to take me to my mother’s to collect Daddy’s car. All of which needed to be completed before 9.15am. I dragged my sorry ass out of bed at 8am, knowing full well the kids needed to leave for school by 8.25am – not a great start Kelly, not a great start at all! I was dragging myself around because I had my second counselling session coming up and quite frankly, the emotional energy that was required to sit through that hour just wasn’t there this morning at all.
Anyway, I made it. I wrote down my ‘triggers’ and my ‘learned behaviours’ and we discussed using the STOPP method over the next few weeks to try and see if I could change my thought process when it came to avoiding social situations. And then I let my son down.
Despite outside looks I absolutely adore my boy. He’s so head strong and sensitive, but he can be worse than having a teenage girl in the house at times. He’s been through a lot in his 11 years and he reacts strongly to negativity in his life – most recently mine and his father’s separation. But today was his day. His final day of primary school. And I missed it. I let him down because I couldn’t STOPP. I couldn’t reason with myself that the girls would be quiet, or that I would be there on time. I convinced myself that the pram wouldn’t fit in the boot and that I wouldn’t be able to park. I panicked at how I was going to fit all the children in the car after school and that someone would chastise me because I was taking spotty babies (hand, foot and mouth) into a public area. And so I did what I always do, I avoided the situation completely and told my son a lie. I told him I wasn’t allowed in the school because the girls were contagious, and he accepted that.
I’ll never get that moment back. I’ll never see how he looked in that (expensive) pirate hat, or in the trousers that were 2 sizes too small for him. I’ll never clap and cheer his acting or comfort him when he got a little teary at leaving school for the last time. I let him down because of my own insecurities and inadequacies, yet because he loves me and I love him he simply accepted that I’d tried. Now I’m sitting here, after racing him to cricket with his 3 sisters in tow, wondering how I can get rid of this social anxiety that led me to leave my boy stranded at the Curry Bean.
Day 0 of Full Time Mummydom = MUST TRY HARDER